They say April showers bring May flowers. Well if you’re walking out of April drench, San Francisco, you’re not alone. But the planets seem to be whispering that there are sunnier days ahead (existentially, at least). Although it is also entirely possible that those whispers are coming from inside my head and the planets aren’t saying anything at all. That’s the risk you run listening to an entirely unqualified astrologer. What I do know for certain: this month is about changing things up.
♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20
You’re not one to settle for less than luxury, Taurus. Well, suck it up. Get some dirt on your feet, my friend. Find a babbling brook and dip your toes in. Search for a cowpie and stand really close to it — just a little closer than feels comfortable, but close enough to feel like you’re pushing yourself. Mother Nature is beckoning you. She wants you to pay for all the time you’ve spent on your skincare routine instead of basking in her beautiful, stinky glory. It’s time, she’s been telling the stars.
♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21
Your curiosity drives you Gemini. And by the same beat, it drives you crazy. The planets want you to go through the month of May without asking a single question of anyone, including yourself. Don’t give your actions a second thought. Honestly, if you can go without giving them a first thought, shoot for that. Take everything at face value — odd encounters, price gouging, boldfaced lies, videos of the world as a dystopia were the sitting president to hypothetically remain in his position. Inquiries are off limits. Trust me, you’ll feel better by the end.
♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22
It’s time to swap your shell for one that fits a bit better. Line up, kiddo.
♌ Leo: July 23–August 22
Unless you’re actually attending the Met Gala, you don’t need a Met Gala “look,” Leo. Watch it, sure. Enjoy the outfits, embrace the drama, bask in the fashion flops. But try to keep it lowkey. And take that advice all month: pretend you’re playing a character. Pretend that character is uncharacteristically chill. Take the drama down a notch, just for a change of pace.
♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22
Take detailed notes of everything this month, Virgo. You may need them later, a star source told me. They choose to remain anonymous, for reasons I can’t go into here. But anyway, they said meticulous notes may come in handy. Try to figure out how to keep them while you sleep. Maybe team up with another Virgo and trade off taking double notes (for them, in their dream state, and for yourself) and catching Z’s. You won’t want to miss a thing.
♎ Libra: September 23–October 23
A little to the left.
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♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21
Tell everyone exactly what you think, very loudly. Shout at the top of your lungs every passing thought. Consider purchasing one of those cone-shaped voice amplifiers that cheerleaders used in the 1900s. Carry it around, use it only for the thoughts that feel the most useless.
♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21
All that ambition is rotting your brain, Sag. Turn on Cartoon Network and don’t turn it off until your bones feel like they’re pruning. Repeat every time you feel the urge to volunteer yourself for something at work.
♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19
Time your time to time your timing (if you want to be on time).
♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18
Walk backward all month, Aquarius. Trust me, I’ve got it on good authority from the Universe that this is going to be a game changer for you. You’ll be noticed. Finally noticed! People will be looking at you everywhere you go, just like you deserve for being the trailblazer that you are. And supposedly it’s also great for knee pain.
♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20
Try nihilism on for size. If that doesn’t fit, try a medium.
♈ Aries: March 21–April 19
Refine the practice of letting other people win, Aires. This tactic has ended wars and made millionaires. It’s an ancient art, and one you’re not predisposed to be very good at. Start small: throw a race against the neighborhood geezer. Then let a friend take home the pot in poker without making an enemy of them. Keep upping the ante on the whole operation. It’ll pay off in the end, if only with your mother.
